I miss hugs

I miss hugs. It’s been a while since I’ve been in an intimate relationship, and much longer since I’ve lived with someone. But I’m not talking about the caresses of romantic affection. I miss hugs with friends, with family, some human contact, even a face-to-face rather than online conversation. The warmth of a shared smile, the sparkle of a friendly eye, a touch on the arm or pat on the back, a kiss on the cheek, the embrace of a caring being. I do have Zoom meetings and Skype conversations, but it’s not the same.

This is week six of my confinement, month two. I’m doing my part: staying at home, washing hands, wearing a mask and keeping my distance when I go out to the grocery market once a week or pick up a take-out dinner from a local restaurant. I know I have the easy part. I am one who spends hours most days at home in front of my laptop anyway, so the isolation may not be as difficult an adjustment as others have experienced. Retired from the world of work, I have a steady income that suffices—I don’t need to stress about losing a paycheck, a lifeline, a job that I may not be able to return to, a purpose in life that gives me reason to get up in the morning. And living in a small mountain town, I have natural places to walk just outside my door.

My walking place: Georgetown Lake, Colorado

But, although I would like to be out there helping in some way, I’m in an aging tier of those who are more vulnerable, so I will continue to hide out for months or more, however long the doctors and scientists (not the politicians) recommend, to avoid that wonderful human contact. Usually I am an optimist, but now, at times, there is a dark fear at the edges of my vision, a dread of grave illness, an attempt to content myself with my lonely life, a redefining of what constitutes life itself.

I am in mourning. For the loss of life of thousands and suffering for many who survive with damaged organs, the stories I read online about families coping and in need, the people who are picking up the food boxes donated by local organizations and trying so hard to get by and be positive for their children, the friends who are awaiting checks to help them pay their rent and ones who are in danger of losing their small businesses that struggled to stay afloat even before the pandemic, elderly relatives of friends and family (my parents are already gone) confined to facilities meant to assist them and give them a comfortable lifestyle but are now one of the most dangerous places susceptible to the rampant spread of disease, and of course medical heroes working long hours without adequate protective equipment and who witness so much death despite their valiant efforts. And having been a victims’ assistance volunteer for many years, my heart goes out to those who are victims of domestic violence and are now in stressful close quarters with their abusers. I think of you all daily.

Last month, a few times, anxiety engulfed me in the middle of the night; those waking hours in midnight darkness found me in tears, hopeful and hopeless. I dreamt, a few nights ago, that an old boyfriend from long ago came to my door. I looked out through the window that faces the entrance in an “L” to see his warm smile as he gestured to me to open the door. But how could I? We are quarantined; we are isolated; we are alone. I reach for a book or a distraction on my phone (never news, social media, or email in those wee hours), until I can push the sadness away.

I’m doing fine in spite of it all—keeping busy and centering on creative work. Writing, working on my web page, reading, watching movies, listening to novels, podcasts, digital lessons and music, walking, exercising, cuddling with my cat, practicing guitar, phoning friends and relatives. Flattening the curve but not my figure—with restaurant take-outs, comfort food, and even some cooking. This will not be a traveling year; I’ve let go of a couple of interesting international explorations I had planned. Will the world feel safe enough to make those journeys in a year or two?

Just a few months ago, the year 2020 sounded like the exciting beginning of a new decade, but has become a year to hit pause, one of self-reflection and hopefully growth, if I can keep a sense of purpose. A time to consider what the world will look like if we can continue to consume less and care for the earth more. A time to care for each other, even if not in person.

I know many of these thoughts are in your mind, too, no matter where you are on this spinning globe, whether you are awake during my night or just across town. We are all in this together. Will hugs come back? Maybe down the road in our future. I hope so.

This blog entry will appear in History Colorado Journal, accepted for publication May 2020.

Published by rkrontheroad

Writer, photographer, traveler

11 thoughts on “I miss hugs

  1. Wow Ruth, you hit the nail on the head! I just mentioned yesterday to a friend how the passing days have had me facing my age in terms I have never confronted before. I weigh the priorities of hugging my grandkids vs infection. I see the end eventually coming and I’m not sure I want to face it alone or on Zoom. Thoughts for those lonely nights….

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You have written what so many others are feeling. This is just a difficult time, but it will come to an end at some point. And when it does, I hope we will be better, stronger and more sensitive human beings.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Your thoughts are shared by so many! It is hard to grasp the hard fact that the entire world is experiencing the same loss and disconnect. How this will shape our future remains to be seen. There are just too many questions and too few answers right now. Thankfully, we have our merciful Lord who has us all in His arms. Looking to Him, I pray for comfort and encouragement to all with the words, “Jesus, I trust in you!”

    I love the picture and the video of the lake!.Thank you for posting them. Oh, how I am looking forward to my next visit to Georgetown!. I miss my “happy place” and everyone who makes it so very special. Take good care and stay well!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. And here’s a somewhat amazing (if sad) realization, RK: Every time I see a movie scene nowadays with people gathering and hugging — no matter the scenario going in the film — I have a momentary shudder, thinking “Should these people be tucked in so close to each other and hugging?” It takes me a moment to remember that that’s all latter day. (Jim V)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I know, me too… but it will be normal someday again. What’s interesting too is that after the late 19-teens pandemic, the Roaring 20s seemed to be an all-out reaction in the other direction. Or was that a reaction to the Prohibition, which was a reaction to… ?? Who knows what will seem normal in the rest of the 2020s.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. congrats on the publication, not surprising as you have really covered it all in this post!

    Thanks for sharing and linking it … it resonates deeply. I pray those restless nights have settled 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Hi, Ruth. I found this post via Calm Kate’s comments. I am reading it in the wee small hours of the morning when I can’t seem to fall back asleep. A beautiful summary of what many (millions? billions?) of us are thinking and feeling. And the losses so many are experiencing due to Covid-19 may be a drop in the bucket compared with the changes/losses that enter our lives if/when we get serious about climate change. So much of our lives and so many of our hopes/dreams/aspirations/expectations (in the USA anyways) are embedded in a blind over-consumption of natural resources with little or no awareness of how our choices.actions are impacting the very ecosystems which support us… Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello, Will. Thanks so much for your insightful comment and for finding my blog. Our wanton over-consumption unfortunately doesn’t always mean a lack of awareness. Many in our culture may be aware but selfishly choosing short-term personal gain and comfort over compassion for those impacted and concern for the future. We will all be affected in one way or another.


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